Conflict Resolution

Understanding Conflict

Conflict isn't inherently bad—it signals that needs aren't being met. Handled well, conflict strengthens relationships. Handled poorly, it destroys them.

The Resolution Framework

Step 1: Cool Down

• If emotions are high, take a break
• "I need 20 minutes before we continue"
• Regulate yourself first (walk, breathe, journal)

Step 2: Create Safety

• Choose the right time and private place
• Start with shared goals: "We both want..."
• Establish ground rules (no interrupting, no name-calling)

Step 3: Understand Each Side

• Listen to understand, not to rebut
• Use reflective listening: "What I hear you saying is..."
• Ask about underlying needs: "What's most important to you here?"

Step 4: Identify Underlying Needs

Positions are what people say they want.
Needs are why they want it.

Example:

• Position: "I want you home by 6pm."
• Need: "I need connection and family time."

Conflict resolves more easily at the needs level.

Step 5: Generate Options

• Brainstorm without judgment
• Look for win-win possibilities
• Ask: "What would work for both of us?"

Step 6: Agree and Follow Up

• Be specific about commitments
• Write it down if needed
• Schedule a check-in

Conflict Styles

Style	Description	When to Use
Avoiding	Withdraw	Issue is trivial or timing is wrong
Accommodating	Give in	Relationship matters more than issue
Competing	Assert	Emergency or core value at stake
Compromising	Split difference	Quick resolution needed
Collaborating	Solve together	Important issue, time available

Collaboration is ideal but takes more time. Use the right style for the situation.